I decided to watch last seasons final episode of Glee and it, of course, started the water works, which are now in moderate effect.
I realized that I'm not just crying because the episode touched my emotional bone... I am crying for a multitude of reasons. I cry during Glee because it reminds me of what I had. I used to sing, and I was pretty darn good by my senior year, thanks to many years in choir. It wasn't until that final year that I went for a solo. I sang the national anthem at my school's fall pep assembly and I wow'd them. A friend of mine told me that another student whispered in her ear as I began to sing, "Whoa! I didn't know Kali could do that...". It felt great. I also got to sing a solo at my own graduation with both of my parents there together, it was my dad's first time seeing me sing. This was one of the highest moments of my life and I still hold it very close to my heart. But, I feel ridiculous that I would be so depressed about it now. I don't sing with the control I used to have and it saddens me deeply. How I wish I had kept going, gone for more, tried to stand out... It's all about "what if" with me.
I cry for a second, also slightly silly reason. This is the episode where Quinn has her baby. I cried the hardest when she is in labor and Puck is watching over her with an appreciative gaze. I. WANT. THIS. Drew and I have been married for only 5 months and I can't wait to start our family. I want to be pregnant. I want to go into labor. I want to deliver this amazing creation. I want to hold that child with Drew by my side. I'm excited for those things! But, I stress out because it's still so early in our marriage to bring a child in to the mix. We live in a one bedroom apartment that is starting to get a little small for my tastes. It's perfect for us right now, don't get me wrong. This apartment is a blessing to us straight from God, and I don't want to forget that. But, there is of course this part of me (a VERY large part) that wants a 3 bedroom home. Guest room and office for now... I want the room for a family, eventually. BUT, I don't want to miss out on the first years of my marriage! You see my conundrum? I'm in love with children, and want my own brood, but I don't want to bring children in to the world just yet, but I want them now... And I go in circles. Stress me OUT.
The main thing I really need to keep remembering is that everything needs to be in God's time, not Kali's time. I want Drew and I to have purpose in our marriage. I want us to try to get pregnant, not have an "oops" baby. I want to feel like it was the right time for us and that we were mentally ready (ish).
I've started praying at night about this. That God would bring a sense of peace and take away my feelings of urgency. That I would be happy with where I'm at and stop looking so far in the future. I want to enjoy my time with my new husband. Ephesians 5, and the first paragraphs of 6, have been a huge reminder to me as well... I need to be a WIFE right now. I need to focus on the two of us before a third. But, Ephesians is a good guideline on how to be a good wife. It's been a nice reminder to read that. I just need to redirect my focus.
I almost forgot to post a picture...
Us at my loves, Kristin (Devereaux) and Kyle Bishop's wedding.
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